The Language of Love: Confronting the challenges in an intercultural relationship

by Meg Roney

Issues of communication in dating can shake the foundation of even the steadiest relationship. I’m sure everyone can recall a fight they have had with their significant other where communication became so distorted that you cannot remember what the initial argument was all about. It happens to the best of us and, when the couple doesn’t share the same cultural background, it happens a lot.

People from other countries can seem exotic. As a previous resident of McDonel Hall, the transfer and foreign exchange student dorm, I know the effect broken English, spoken with a sexy accent, can have on a girl. But can there be any hope of a future for intercultural couples? According to those who have been there, it all depends on the strength of your communication skills.

Amber VanDrie and Gregoire de Castlebajac began dating last January after being introduced through a mutual friend. VanDrie, a 24-year-old sociology major at MSU, describes their courtship as “very romantic.” She says Castlebajac’s attitude towards sex differs from the attitudes of American men she had previously dated. Castlebajac only wants to have sex with people he truly cares for. In contrast she feels“American guys seem to take sex more lightly”. Castlebajac agrees that “the idea that they [Americans] have about sex doesn’t really fit my perspective”.

Although their relationship flourished with romance, VanDrie and Castlebajac found that misunderstandings can arise when the communication is not clear. “One of our biggest fights was because I completely misunderstood him. It was hard for me to understand how he expressed himself in English,” VanDrie recalls. While communication has caused problems in their relationship, both VanDrie and Castlebajac agree this was not the reason they stopped dating but continue to remain close friends.

Another student born and raised in France, 28-year-old, Gerard Beck, agrees that communication is important in an intercultural relationship. However, Beck sees cultural and linguistic differences as beneficial.

“You begin learning how to do things in a different way and they learn about you”, Beck states. This perspective may be somewhat influenced by Beck’s education. With a Bachelor of Arts in English, Beck came to the United States to complete his Master's in French and Linguistics at MSU. When Beck compares his communication skills to those of some of his friends, he admits that a mastery of English definitely helps in his relationships.

When asked what advice they would give to a person considering entering into an intercultural relationship, VanDrie, Castlebajac and Beck all agree intercultural relationships require effort from both people in order to succeed.

“Its going to be difficult, especially if they don’t plan on living where you are. You’re going to have to do a lot more talking about what they mean. You can’t jump to conclusions”, VanDrie advises.

Castlebajac warns “don’t make too many generalizations because it can hurt someone’s feelings. Also, don’t expect them to give everything up for you because this will put you in a position of weakness”.

Beck feels it is important to not only address issues of deviation, but also to “accept whatever differences there are because there are going to be discrepancies”.

The main point is to keep talking. The more you say, the more likely you will be understood. After all, love can sometimes seem like a foreign language to any of us, even to the French.