STYLEDGE: One straight California man's journey

by Sean Vidal

Sean and Rachel on their adventure

Before going to Somerset Mall, my impression was that it was the end-all, be-all of malls, a shopping Mecca.  According to my friends, I had never seen anything like it.

 I’m an out-of-state MSU junior from California. We have malls, but nothing like what people around here make Somerset out to be.

My friend Rachel picked out a BCBG dress for her sorority’s formal and it wasn’t available online, so she decided to try it on at the Somerset store.   I decided to join her on a search for the “perfect formal dress.”

I was imagining people offering you bottles of Evian water as you entered their exclusive boutiques filled with highly-fashionable clothing and tons of beautiful people.  I envisioned rich men and women sitting outside Louis Vuitton, sipping expensive champagne after throwing down thousands on stylish leather luggage.

What I got was the mirror image of South Coast Plaza in Newport Beach, California, most well-known its mentions on old episodes of “The O.C.”  No offense to people who adore the shopping experience of Somerset, but it wasn’t that special--it was just a mall.

The most enjoyable thing about my trip to Somerset wasn’t browsing at Nordstrom’s for the first time in 3 months or passing the gigantic Victoria’s Secret and getting a halfsie—it was the total package experience.

It looked massive as Rachel and I pulled into the parking structure. I thought to myself that this had to be the biggest Nordy’s I’d ever seen.  After searching forever for a parking spot and yelling at Rachel that we didn’t need to valet park, I got to step foot in the infamous Somerset.

I became immediately annoyed walking through the door.  A children’s concert was going on in the courtyard.  This is one thing I hate about shopping malls: the center court is always filled with some sort of “family fun,” either children’s concerts, a bogus model search (“For people of all ages and sizes!”) or Santa Claus. This was, naturally, the loudest one, a concert.

SOMERSET MALL

Famished from the hour-and-a-half drive from East Lansing to Detroit, we quickly decided to eat at Nordy’s Café in order to escape the awful singing coming from a floor below us.

Honestly I expected a lot more of this place than to have such a Saturday type gimmick.

After our fabulous lunch we went to scope out Rachel’s formal dress at BCBG Max Azria. For some reason it was a huge sequin year for BCBG.  Half the dresses this spring season sport some kind of bead or sequin type design.  At first I was a little disappointed, but after a while the sequins grew on me.

I felt slightly strange standing around a small store filled with dresses and gay employees while Rachel tried on dresses.  I tried the little “boyfriend lean” where you lean right outside the dressing room trying to not awkwardly look at high school girls trying dresses on, but looking on wondering how long your bitch is going to take.

After thinking about how awkward this was, I realized Rachel was taking a really long time with her first batch of dresses.  Maybe she just didn’t want me to see. Instead of barging into the ladies’ dressing room, I decided to give her a call.

“Hey, aren’t you going to let me see some of them?” I said.

“Sean I’m stuck in this thing,” she said. “The zipper’s stuck and I can’t get out of this dress.”

 I immediately asked her if she needed me to assist her.

“You know, actually, I’m half-naked right now and I’d kind of prefer if you just sent an associate back here to help,” she replied frantically.

I told one of the gorgeous BCBG employees that my friend was struggling and got caught in her dress.

The woman quickly ran back to Rachel’s dressing room, almost beginning to laugh when she got a glimpse of the mess Rachel had gotten herself into.  The door to the dressing room didn’t move for a while, until the BCBG woman stuck her head out and told a fellow employee that she had to come take a look at this.

I began to feel like I was observing the scene in “There’s Something About Mary,” when Ben Stiller somehow gets his manhood caught in his pants zipper, only a lot girlier and less painful.  Unless you experience pain when you realize a $400 dress is about to be destroyed.

Seeing as that dress wasn’t going to work for her, I went dress hunting.  And then it hit me--this sequin dress that I thought was ridiculous really did have potential.

 It used all her favorite colors, green, navy and brown with a fitted halter top but a flowy hem. It was playful but sexy, feminine, understated and everything Rachel never knew she always wanted. She ended up loving it and I ended up questioning my sexuality for a little bit.

The dress came to around $300 ($100 off for every $300 you spent Saturday!) but worth every penny.

      After BCBG, Rachel needed some hair spray so we took a short trip down to Bath and Body Works.  Evidently if you decide to give your friend a massage in the middle of the store people will think you are first dating, secondly engaged (or just already married) and lastly, need relationship advice.

A woman who worked there rushed over immediately after seeing me pick up the hand massager and started talking about how “maybe” is the best word to satisfy a wife’s request.  It’s how she got a trip to Hawaii.  Her husband said “maybe” so she just kept working and working for that yes.  I don’t know what she did to work for that trip but plenty of things came to mind. Rachel and I just stood there awkwardly trying to figure out why this stranger was trying to help us solve our marital problems (or why we gave the impression that we were married—and unhappily married at that) and praying for her to just leave us alone.

After I tried on some things in Nordstrom but ultimately decided not to spend $255 on a pair of jeans, we decided to leave Somerset because I needed to go have a drink and watch some college basketball.  Hey, I pick out girls’ dresses by day and watch college hoops while drinking beer by night. Despite the fact that Rachel wouldn’t admit it on the drive home, I’m a great straight guy!

Overall it was a crazy fun day; Somerset is a great mall for Michigan but I must say I was a little disappointed by the general, run-of-the-mill mall atmosphere.  If I had more time and a six figure income I probably would have enjoyed myself a little more.

---