St. Valentine was a bad, bad man. Okay, actually he was a good guy, but his actions inspired the spawn of Satan—a.k.a. Hallmark—to invent the most pointless holiday ever to grace mankind. (Actually, I think Sweetest Day wins that title now, but we’ll come to that in October.)

Valentine’s Day is a cruel joke plotted by the High-and-Mighty Greeting-Card-Company and Therefore-Ruler-of-the-Universe, forcing those of us lacking in a relationship or a love life of any form to feel suicidal. When that disgusting pink and red décor and those revolting frilly hearts begin appearing in stores and on happy, not single girls’ tee shirts and (ack) even in the cafeteria (why does University Housing hate us so?), every happy couple gets cuter and mushier as they scurry off to buy each other meaningless tokens of their affection—affection that will fade as soon as something better comes along—while us single folk must look on, constantly reminded of our lonely, pathetic existence.

Oh Hallmark, why art thou so vile? February the 14th—once just another day—has been besmirched by the ever-powerful Gold Crown people. This day all about “being reminded of the importance of love” is sickening. I may have just thrown up in my mouth a bit just thinking about it.

If a couple is really in love, which I doubt (true love is as fictitious as the importance of this holiday), then they should show that “love” everyday, not once a year simply because the people that can scrawl lame-ass rhymes in folded cardboard and make millions off it say that we need a day to celebrate the joy and beauty that is love. Gross.

This holiday has no real meaning, no real value. It is merely a ploy by the card companies to make a shit load of money in a short span of time. And of course, this evil doing has spread to the chocolate companies (they get double the profits: chocolate as gifts for the love birds and chocolate as company for lonely, depressed girls) and the florists and the teddy bear people.

The population has been swindled into revering a day with no historical, religious, political, or social value, and in our naivety we support the very villains who begat the holiday in the first place. I am deeply and horrifyingly sickened by this fraud of a holiday. I do not believe in it. I do not celebrate it. I spit in its fluffy, romantic, repulsive face.

Valentine’s Day is dark and twisted and as my only tribute to its fake importance, I shall ask but a favor and extend a warning: To all my fellow singles, do not mourn for your love life, for we are not really missing anything…just attention and happiness and someone to keep us warm on those long, cold, miserable nights. And to all you happy couples out there, tone down the cuteness or so help me, there will be another Valentine’s Day Massacre.