Ask Dr. Sex

I really enjoy my mailbag you know. And just when I think nobody loves me - -

Hey Dr. Sex,

I am cursed (or blessed, depending on how you look at it) with a high fertility
rate. I ovulate for much longer than normal. While I’m ovulating, I get turned on
so easily it is ridiculous. Seriously, a little kiss and I’m wetter than, well,
I’ll just stop there because you get the picture. But the thing is, for that 13
days that is the last time I want to be having sex. Of course, the rest of the
time, I am not nearly as…driven. How can I keep that drive when I’m not at high
risk of getting pregnant?

Sincerely,
Bad Timing

No, good timing, isn’t it? Depends on who or what the timing is all about. Of course your turn-on appears to be hormone -related and those hormones change, depending on where you are in your cycle. At your peak of fertility nature wants you to have sex so there can be a few more mini-yous around. That’s obvious. Then there’s your real problem which is that you are out of synch with nature. So lets see if there is something we can do about your extreme case of hormone-itis,

I think it is wonderful that your sexual response is so man-like when you are pre-ovulatory or ovulating. That’s because I think that being a man with an “instant-on switch” is more fun that having to be worked into sex by being held, cuddled, sweet-talked, taken out to dinner, having someone buy you dessert, buy you a nice bottle of wine, diamonds, your rent, etc. Of course, it does become embarassing when an attractive big-breasted woman goes by so I am distracted, trip and pole-vault across the street. It used to happen all the time to me when I was in high school - - I would feel a hard-on coming down the road at me and right as it was popping out, the chemistry teacher would call on me to go to the board to solve a problem. There I was and there I was. I had to say that I didn’t know the answer so I could slump down in my seat and hide my member under the desk. I won’t even talk about dancing when I had to stay at arm’s length . . .but I digress. This is about your response that appears to be a lot like mine. I suppose you were the kind of woman I loved to be with in high school because your measure of success on a date was throwing your briefs at the wall and seeing if they would stick.

Anyway, what are we to do about the different hormone responses that you have? It would appear that you are extremely sensitive to the estrogen part of your cycle. Many women report that when they are estrogenic, their breasts swell and become more sensitive. You may also have some labial enlargement as well or general increase in pelvic circulation (called “congestion” by professionals) that makes you more aware of this area. You might experience your turn-on as a feeling of warm spiced wine being poured into the pelvic area and this makes you feel like grabbing your mate and pulling him in, including him into your mounting (ha ha) arousal. This is the inclusive narure of the estrogen-cycle.

Then we have the progesterone cycle but I think this could be referred to as estrogen-deprived in your case. However, there is an arousal connected with progesterone as well, you either just don’t like it as much or don’t notice it because it is so different from the estrogen. My guess is that during these before and after portions, you have to become more insistent on having your clitoris stroked or maybe having oral sex performed on you. Once you reach that wet-stage of arousal, bet the sex will be exactly the same. What you don’t like is having to “work” for it or insisting that someone else work for it, know what I mean? Sex is much easier when your response is so fluid, then it is simply different when you are not ovulating and all swelled up.

Try to pay attention to how your needs change and then work on taking control of the sex act so those different needs are satisfied. Yes, it makes you more complicated then a man is but I view it as being complicated, just like the ocean. Once you understand high and low tide and the relationship between the tides and the moon, life is easier. Just ask your partners do you do go to the beach and yell at the ocean because it isn’t low tide and the beach is small? No, you take advantage of the high water. Then you go tide-pool watching and clam-digging when the tide is out. Different tide, different activities.

Let me know how this works for you. When life hands you low tide, make clam chowder, eh?

I had such a good time at Christmas and New Year that it took a while for the hangover to fade away. When you’re old, you know, the parts of your body you count on don’t work as well so things like hangovers are more prolonged. I feel like the guy in the hospital all banged up. The doc comes around and says: “What’s the matter with you?” Guy says: “Flu,” “Crashed I’ll bet,” says the doc. That’s me, flying high. Who was that guy . . . Icarus? You know, got too close to the sun and melted his wings. Luckily that can’t happen in Michigan. Wing-icing, maybe, but not too close to the sun because you can’t find it to fly close to it. I hope your holidays were as good as mine.

Now we’re all back to work and I found a couple of interesting notes in my mail-bag. Jerry writes:

“My girlfriend and I are having a problem. Our sexual frequency is very different. We love each other a lot and we always have fun together but I always seem to be horny and she seems to need sex less often. Do you have any advice for couples who don’t seem to be able to work out their sexual frequency?

This is actually a very common problem, sexual incomparability, that is. Humans are so complex that it is difficult to match our needs and emotional swings completely (other than what the matching web-sites allege: Yeah, take our questionnaire and we will find someone who is compatible with you. You will be happy forever. Hmm) I have noticed that more couples wind up in my office because of sexual incompatibility than virtually anything else. Sex and money, what else would people fight about . . Or feel bad about. And it isn’t always the man who is the one who feels like his sex drive is not being met, lots of women feel as if their mate is non-responsive to their sexual needs too. Maintaining a sexual relationship is not easy. Sex is explosive.

So the first thing is that the person who feels horny has to look at their needs to determine whether they are feeling sexual or just insecure. When you are feeling insecure, it is great to have someone to grab onto but an insecurity-fuck may not be as satisfying for your partner as it is for you. Men have this thing about can I get it up today and we have to make sure that it is working. That early-morning hard-on is usually the result of dreaming and not necessarily a sign that you are aroused. Jumping up and down on your partner is not a great idea if she has a full bladder although sometimes this aids in having an orgasm (increased pelvic pressure but be very careful about it).

Second, men and women feel sex very differently. Fully 40 percent of women surveyed stated that they would not care if they never had intercourse if their husbands would just hold them. Holding is very important for some women. How do you feel about it, guys? Usually men say they don’t care about being held, just let them get off through their genital member. This alone can cause problems in a relationship because women often feel that our focus on our smaller brain is selfish. Then they’re resentful and resentment is like a time-bomb (an IED these days) in a relationship. This is why therapists stress that communication is so important although men and women use language differently:

ANDY: I love you. GIRLFRIEND: I love you too. ANDY: (starting to remove shirt and opening pants) Let’s do it!! GIRLFRIEND: What are you doing?? ANDY (Confused): Well I thought . . .I mean, you said you loved me. GIRLFRIEND: Oh Andy, why do you have to ruin everything? ANDY: Ruin? Ruin?? This would only make it better. GIRLFRIEND: (Heading out the door) I thought you understood love better than that. ANDY: I’m Dr. Sex, what do you expect? GIRLFRIEND: Slam! ANDY: shit!

Know what I mean?

It’s not always the woman who walks away. Lots of women report that they want to have more sex but their partner is not ready when they are. My best guess is that about 1 out of 5 couples is compatible without trying or working at it. The rest of us struggle. For the more active members of the couple, I stress masturbation as a means of relieving tension so you are not looking for tension-relieving sex - - That’s generally unsatisfying for the less-tense partner. And having sex then going to sleep without talking is generally seen as being unsatisfying. Holding is very important. Love is not about sex and sex is not love; love is about forgoing ego-gratification for the person you love.

So, Jerry, try to understand what your needs really are and what your partner needs. If you increase your communication and holding, often sexual frequency increases although if you are behaving this way to fool your partner into having sex, it isn’t going to work. Humans really are telepathic you know, we just pretend we’re not.

Speaking of telepathic, an esteemed colleague died recently. Dr. Arnie Werner (The Doctor’s Bag) died last week. We wrote a book together in the 70’s and I was always impressed with his genuine caring for people and his impeccable scholarship. I’m always flying off about something or other but he was a steadying influence with his being able to see all sides of an issue and point out an optimum path. He worked with rural communities who did not have access to psychiatric services and was one of the really good guys. I will miss him. So long, Arnie, fly high.

Hi Dr. Sex: Love your blog.

Anyhow, I’m A bi female and I’m dating a girl right now. She has just gotten over a yeast infection from taking antibiotics. I was wondering, if we share toys, or have oral sex will I be likely to get a yeast infection even though she has (we assume) treated it? thanks,
A

Before I answer this, I have to wander a little. Since Thanksgiving I have become so aware of the things that I love about my life and this young woman’s attitude is one of them. I don’t want to make you self-conscious but I love the way you present your question: “Hi! I’m a bi female and I am dating a girl right now.” I’m happy, we’re having fun. Yeah and sometimes I’m not dating a girl, I’m dating a guy and we have fun too. I’m getting it all and it’s is a great thing. And you know, if the guy I’m dating was into two women, I could really get into that too. Fabulous. All these hung up people in the world and we have a young woman who is getting everything. I have spent three days just enjoying the pictures this letter set off in my head, the sex toys, the two people really enjoying themselves in a way that is very appealing to me. Shoot, I was able to cut out the anti-aging drugs for those three days.

Just one cloud on the horizon – A yeast infection from antibiotics. I could do a whole blog on why would someone take antibiotics, just look at what they’re doing to your body. Yeasts are your friends. I love yeasts because they make bread and beer, especially beer. Notice that I cut out anti-aging drugs, not beer. Beer is wonderful because if you drink the real stuff (like from Michigan Brewing Company in Webberville), it isn’t pasteurized so the yeasts are living in it in a controlled way because it’s chilled. Then you drink it and all those happy yeasts are released and like their Pale Ale – Sooo good. Happy me, happy yeasts, happy MBC, a great Michigan Company. Drink their beer, make jobs.

So if your girlfriend was typical, the antibiotics set off a round of itching (burning vagina if it was really bad) and having to buy cream to stop the itch. See, what happened is that the drug changed the pH of the vaginal secretions and this made it easier for my happy friends to multiply. Their riotous party produced bi-products like the empty pizza boxes and cans at your parties. If you don’t clean up that junk, it gets irritating. Have I made myself clear? So you clean up the junk and the apartment is clean again. Could it get messy? Yeah, it probably will if the atmosphere changes.

So bringing the pH back to normal and not taking more antibiotics has likely solved the problem. Wash off your instruments just in case some bacteria have come along and started a garden but really, once the pH of the vagina has changed back to normal, yeasts are less likely to create an expanding environment. They just live there and are like the quiet neighbors upstairs.

And oh yes, , I would recommend eating at least one low-fat yogurt a day, maybe two, to restore the flowers in the gut which are killed by the anti-biotic’s action. It keeps something worse from moving in if you know what I mean.

I have to run but I will spend the day thinking about you guys together vibrating away after your exams. . . Strapping up and reaching great screaming orgasms.

No. . .wait. . .that’s me. Sorry. Anyone have a hand towel? And yeah, good luck on your exams.

We are having a very happy Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving because it is the one day of the year where I can really stuff myself and watch football all day. That is a man’s idea of a great time. Of course last night we had a huge pizza orgy. In the old days, we would have rubbed the pizza on our bodies and had a huge, slimy group hug but last night, it was just eat and eat in order to stretch our digestive guts to be able to handle more food today. It’s the whole family together and in agreement for a change. This is a tough family because we are all oppositional, non-compliant people and no one ever agrees with anyone else. We spend most of our time fighting over football teams and not being cooperative. But we do all agree on stuffing ourselves at Thanksgiving and we all work together on getting the max food on the table.

When I first joined this family, I came for Thanksgiving and in my family, you chew your food 50 times and eat very slowly. SO I sat there and ate as I had been instructed by my mother and then I realized I was alone at the table. I swear, the rest of the family was in the kitchen making white meat sandwiches. They wondered what had happened to me. “What? You didn’t like dinner?? This marriage thing can be tough.

I’m hoping you all are loving your families and not rubbing the Turkey grease on your bodies, as good as that would be for your skin. And maybe your relationship.

Greetings from the land of the Lotus-Eaters, Los Angeles, California. I am a really lucky guy, I get to travel to some wonderful places and hang out with interesting people. It was just an accident that we wound up here but we have had an opportunity to party with entertainment types (movie and TV producers, actors) over the Tsunami-wave Democratic victory last Wednesday. In fact, I feel like: “What day is it??” because it has been a three-day party out here in Lala land and what with the time change, I really have lost touch with “normal” time and space.

I had tried to post a blog as the party began to wind to a fever pitch but somehow, the wireless server I had tapped took my blog but didn’t post it so now, it is spinning around out there along with papers I was writing and hadn’t saved when my word-processing software crashed. I hate that. It was such a good blog about George Bush and the Republicans, how they were reaping the whirlwind of what they had sowed. You know: “You reap what you sow . . . As ye sow, so shall ye reap.”

This is the ultimate law of psychology. You plant your seeds, the plants grow and you get to eat the fruit. Plant your seeds in bitter ground and guess what: The fruit is bitter. Plant your seeds in hard ground and the roots die. You should know this, after all MSU is an Ag school and this is the Agricultural theory of psychology. It’s simple, really, but you have to pay attention to what you’re doing. You have to be conscious in the moment. That’s my friend v, he’s always conscious in the moment which is what makes him so interesting and valuable to the shared consciousness.

None of us could believe the Democrats won both the House and the Senate. I had become really depressed without knowing it because I had to deal with John Engler for 12 years and how he decimated the state infrastructure. Then Jennifer came along and why she wanted the job of trying to restore some semblance of state government in Michigan, I will never know. But it hasn’t been pretty in Michigan, I don’t have to tell you that. Our whole state is depressed and I am not sure if I mean emotionally or economically but does it really matter? It was also depressing to have to deal with Bush, 9 / 11, Iraq, and the Republican mentality of Scorched Earth. You know what I mean: Burn it now, use it up, save nothing for later. Ugh. All you conservative types - - You know that what you are doing is sending this deficit off into the future, like my lost blog, so your grandchildren will have to resolve it. That’s nice. Your kids and your grandkids will not have it as good as you do. Are you going to be as successful as your parents?

So yeah, I had become more and more depressed and then, Stephanie and I get to come out here to California and party with the movie people. And let me tell you, it was a huge party, I am just now getting over my hangover to be able to see the keys on my laptop. I have made a discovery, you get really giddy on that great California champagne but WOW!! do you get a hangover. And what is it in those little skinny cigarettes they smoke. . .?

I will go back to being the good doctor on Monday but right now, I am so happy, I feel we finally have a chance. We proved to the world that you can run a democracy and that when people get fed up with the government, they can do something about it. Now I am not saying that everything will be great, we have a lot of problems to solve. But Stephanie and I are out here in a state where the sun shines, it is warm and I can see the desert mountains off to the east. This is a state who re-elected an actor and he is married to a Kennedy. How can you beat that? And this state has an economy, if you don’t like your job, you can quit AND FIND ANOTHER. How ‘bout that? We were so shafted in Michigan, Betsy DeVos saying “People in Michigan expect to make too much money.” Damned right, Bets, we fricken do.

And I hear that they have passed a new rule in the House: Have to put the toilet seats down after you pee. She’s drunk with power. Like me.

We’re off for a tour of wine country.

I’m always in the mood, aren’t you. Some people don’t like me because I am walking around turned on all the time. Isn’t life supposed to be that way? So check this out:

Jesus, what does it mean when I don’t know if I am spelling orgasm right?

I really like the recent posts about the sleeping/sex thing. That comment about the guy who was able to help his girlfriend have an orgasm during intercourse when she hadn’t before reminded me of something that helped me out.

About five years ago (three years into my marriage, to give you a reference point) I had gone to get a pair of glasses after having pink eye and not being able to wear my contacts for a few days. Going around blind really motivated me to get over my extreme hatred of glasses to get an emergency backup pair.

I had hated glasses because all the pairs I had since getting contacts made me dizzy and nauseous. This new pair my husband helped me pick out were extremely sexy (didn’t think it could be done in a pair of glasses, but it can) and WAY out of our budget. When I picked them up and tried them on I almost cried I was so frustrated that they also made me dizzy and nauseous. The tech at the office said that it was more of an anxiety reaction and that a good way to overcome it was to have the glasses on my bedstand and to put them on first thing in the morning, even before I got out of bed. She said putting them on that early would sidestep the whole anxiety reaction.

It worked, much to my surprise, so then we started using that technique to help me have an orgasm during intercourse. Actually, we used it to help me be in the mood at all. As a young mother and a business owner (and generally a neurotic person), I was way too tightly wrapped.

Ta Daaaah! It worked beautifully. I’ve suggested it to many of my patients who have problems in that department and it works for them as well. Sex first thing in the morning. It has taken about five years, but now I can be in the mood at any time. It really had to be practiced, though. Funny thing to have to practice, isn’t it? Relaxing enough to enjoy sex. The only problem is figuring out when to pee.

Anyway, thanks for your work. I really enjoy it.

This is from the old doc again — I love the way guys talk about a hard-on in the morning as a “piss-hard.” Can’t be a piss-hard can it? How do you piss through it? When I used to wake up at a woman’s place with a piss-hard, I would simply piss into the shower. I could usually get it higher than the second soap dish and it was better than pissing all over the toilet (women hate that guys). Now I am going to get all these letters saying women hate men pissing in their showers too.

I think it’s not peeing first thing in the morning that helped you have an orgasm. I know your husband had to be careful not to bounce up and down on your bladder.

Thanks for the note. Glad to hear you are doing well out there.

Take care.

I thought a couple of the email responses to old Dr Sex would be interesting on these colder days. Maybe you should go to bed early . . . And send the old doc some of the results from your experiements.

dr sexiest,

after just reading your latest findings, i was excited to express that this same phenonenon has occured with me, or at least near it. i mean, i remember it though? and yes, how can you make the comparison if you were a-sleep during the act? hummm.

so, really, one woman whom i had resided with for over two years, one night i found myself ‘having a sex dream’ and then i was having sex with this girl in my dream… i mean, it was as though i was dreaming though also awake, but at that point i didnt really know i was ‘awake’… so anyway, we were spooning and i found myself inside her and having sex, and it was really good. i mean, i definitely was relaxed about the whole thing… and i can remember at this point that i was kind of waking up a bit and knew what we were doing and she must have been pretty much awake by the time she had an orgasm, because she was really expressing herself by then. so the point is that the act really began in sleep, even though it ended awake. dont know if this really qualifies though. bet its very common. and again, a woman i have been currently involved with,for over a year, well, she had never had an orgasm with a guy during intercouse, at least thats what she told me?… i dont know if i ought to be sharing all this? anything for science though . . . so i cant remember the exact circumstances, but i think i showed up after she had been working all night, and got into her bed, and got myself worked up seeing her laying so serenely in bed, and started caressing her and so forth… and she sort of woke up a litte bit, i mean, i would like to think she knew i was taking off her jams, and to get to the point, she had her first orgasm with a man during intercourse…. interesting… and she has had it other times since that time… so, i guess that being relaxed (sleepy) allows for maybe better sex. ok. i’ve said too much. i just dont think that dreamy sex is that uncommon. least to say, i cannot remember having sex in my deep sleep? i mean, how can one remember that?
v

Way to go, v, you have the most interesting life. Much more diverse than when you were an undergraduate, eh?? Must have been my classes that helped, I’m sure. Now check this out:

Dear Dr. Sex,

I thought you were really crazy when I had you as an undergraduate. You always seemed to be fixated on oral sex, I thought, and you just went on and on about having sex, and wanting sex, and never getting enough sex and, of course, your fave, oral sex.

So why am I writing? Because I have to tell you how much I love oral sex. I mean doing it on my husband although I like it when he reciprocates, of course. I can see how you might go on and on about how much fun it is and how much I like doing it and how good our sex life is. I thought I was really hot when I was an undergraduate and I would have to say that I did have a lot of sex but nothing like this. It is so neat to sneak up on him (like when he is sleeping) and put this little soft thing in my mouth and then it gets bigger and harder and then he wakes up or sometimes he doesn’t but it doesn’t matter. He just explodes in my mouth and I am so excited when it happens. I am not one of the 20 percenters or whatever you called them, women who orgasm from doing oral sex, but I sure like it.

I just wanted to let you know that you’re not crazy and you really did know what you were talking about. And ohmygod…I’m just like you. I can’t tell if it’s good or bad just like you said but we’re so connected.

dbh

Thanks, d, I appreciate the warmth, especially on these cold days.l Now what’s really funny is that some people get “warm-fuzzies,” and I get these. You wouldn’t believe what people write to me. Only some of them can be published because these women know what I think is funny but most of you wouldn’t like it. Like this one:

I suppose you would want me to write to you but you probably wouldn’t like it. Remember, I’m the one who changed my major out of psychology because of you. You were saying we all wanted to sleep with you and I wanted to get as far away from you as possible.

It’s the old doc again. Please see the email above yours (ha,ha).

Check this out. I got it in my mailbag and thought all of you would be interested, especially those who actually sleep with their partners. You know what I mean: “Did you sleep with him??” “No! We never closed our eyes.” Sort of like M. Monroe’s statement regarding a photo shoot: “Did you have anything on?” “Yeah, we had the radio on.” Here’s what was in the London Daily Mail:

Thousands of people are having sex - while they are asleep, an internet survey has revealed. The research reveals that so-called sex-somniacs - who have sex romps while they doze - are more common than medical reports might suggest.

As yet there is no cure for the condition, which often leads to difficulties in relationships.

“It really bothers me that I can’t control it,” Lisa Mahoney told New Scientist magazine. “It scares me because I don’t think it has anything to do with the partner. I don’t want this foolish condition to hurt us in the long run.”

Most researchers view sexsomnia as a variant of sleepwalking, where sufferers are stuck between sleep and wakefulness, though sexsomniacs tend to stay in bed rather than get up and walk about.

While sleepwalking affects two to four percent of adults, sexsomnia is not thought to be as common a problem, according to Nik Trajanovic, a researcher at the sleep and alertness clinic at Canada’s Toronto Western Hospital.

“Most of the time sleep sex occurs between people who are already partners,” Mark Pressman, a sleep specialist at Lankenan Hospital in Wynnewood, Pennsylvania, told the New Scientist.

“Sometimes they hate it,” added Pressman of the reactions of sexsomniacs’ partners. “Sometimes they tolerate it. On rare occasions you have stories of people liking it better than waking sex.”

I’m not sure who Pressman is talking about — the sleeping partner or the waking partner. Does he mean the sleeping partner likes it better than waking sex? It’s like my pig question, how would anyone know they were having sex while asleep? Oh sure, if your vagina was stretched all out of shape so when you sat down to pee in the morning it shot up to the ceiling, it might just be a clue that something happened in the night. “Well, I just left it there on the bedside table and when I woke up, someone had been at it and it was stretched all out of shape. . .”

This is not a common disorder but we have just now begun to discover what’s called “Rapid Eye-Movement Sleep Disorder,” or REMSD exists. This occurs when dreaming does not have a REM component and this type of sleep seems to be associated in general with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is not uncommon for someone to punch their partner or be very aggressive toward them while sleeping but so far, I have just heard about it in males hitting their wives while sleeping. No, I take that back. I am working on a case where a man was accused of touching one of his 10 year-old daughter’s friends and his reporting of his memory of the event suggests that he was suffering from an episode of REMSD. What appears to be sleep-walking does occur in this disorder although true sleep-walking involves a very deep sleep stage while REMSD is almost like being awake but more in the hypnogogic stage without rapid eye movement. It is interesting what we are starting to learn about sleep the more we study sleep-disorders in the laboratory.

I have to say that I had several girlfriends where having sex with them was a lot like REMSD only I could remember it all. Universally, they said that they couldn’t remember having sex with me, they must have been asleep, it is the only thing I can think of. Asleep or awake, sex was the same and you might ask me about how would I be able to make the comparison? Well you might ask. . .

My wife and I were driving home from MSU last night and we’re at the corner of Grand River and Hagadorn and I notice a couple driving and watching a movie on a portable DVD player. So I’m really interested in what the hell they’re watching… while they’re driving. And I look over, and they’re watching porn. While driving in the city.

So I guess my question is, “how can you watch porn and drive?”

Curious Driver

Dear Curious,

Well actually I couldn’t because my apparatus would get hung (ha,ha) up in the steering wheel, if you know what I mean. This other guy obviously didn’t have that problem. My guess is that this couple was getting a running start on the evening by getting fired up in the car. Someone really isn’t interested in foreplaybecause the only thing I would think of is that what they want to do is come running through the door, fall on the floor and do it right there. Saves time and energy.

Now I will probably get a letter from this couple telling me that they were doing an assignment for their film class or contemporary American media or something like that and they really weren’t interested in porn, it was just an assignment. Yeah, right.

You know, I am a guy who turns the radio off when I am looking for an address in the rain (what do you think that’s about??) so playing a DVD while I am driving is not something that I would ever think much of doing. In fact, I can’t imagine watching TV in the car even if it were a driving lesson or how to operate the folding seats. Split consciousness is a difficult thing for me and I would not like operating a vehicle in traffic when there is something else absorbing my attention (WOW!! Look at the size of those. . .). In fact, I had to stop driving down Grand River Ave in the spring on that first warm day when women have just come out of their winter coats because I kept slamming into people who had stopped for a traffic light. You know what? If they are going to ban talking on your cell phone while driving, looking at porn ought to be doubly prohibited because there is just too much going on. And what if you see something that you didn’t expect and you’re like: “Eew?”

Usually, I suggest using adult materials to stimulate discussion between a couple regarding their likes and dislikes in order to increase positive outcomes during sex. I really think that sex in the car is a waste of time because it usually is so quick and men don’t need to practice quick experiences. What was it they used to say about Pell Mall cigarettes: “It’s not how long you make it — It’s how you make it long.”

Porn in the car, hmm. Next thing you know they are going to have drive through windows so you can eat in the car. What a waste of good food. Or bad food as the case might be.

[ I just have to pop in a word about the science of psychology here so you understand my way of thinking. Psychology is all about science (it isn’t really about helping people although we do that too) and the science involves drawing inferences to the population from samples of behavior. So if you were studying the way the mind works, you would talk about “mind” in your sample and “Mind” in the population. It’s all about understanding the larger world from the smaller world of the sample. ]

I talked to a lot of people who attended the Ohio State game and it isn’t about that we lost, what did you expect, it was how the fans participated. Did you notice that the upper deck was a sea of red? Did you note that their O-H-I-O chant would sweep around the stadium like a wave? Was it possible that a lot of the time you couldn’t even hear the MSU faithful? Hmm. That’s the sample I chose.

Now let’s look at NAFTA and the DeVos/Granholm issue of creating jobs here in Michigan. I feel like Peter, Paul and Mary” “Where have all the jobs gone…?” Long time passing, know what I mean? This is the decline and fall of America which is upsetting to me more than just our destroyed football season. I’m not complaining but have you noticed how many foreign students attend MSU? Where are they going to go when they graduate? Do you think they are here to become Americans? I don’t think so. They are going to go home to get super jobs in the their home countries in the areas of science, math and engineering that are being outsourced (a brand new word) by American industry. Shoot, you can get people to answer your phones and do consumer interface for a fraction of the cost in Bombay than you can here. And you know what? They will love their jobs and be ‘way more productive that you would be in the same job because you would hate it. So they’re doing much more work for less money. Industry can’t lose. Now, whenever I am calling an industry help-line and the person has a slight accent on the other end, I start the conversation with “Namaste,” can’t hurt.

If you have a CAT scan done at night in a major city ER, they ship it by computer interface to India where it is read by an American-trained doc and sent back. It happens very quickly because you don’t have to wake up the neuro resident to read the scan, it is daytime in Bombay and they are looking for something to do. If you want plastic surgery at a fraction of the cost in America (and twice as good) go to Budapest. Hey, if you want to smoke dope on the street, go to East Germany, it’s a more free society there.

Are you following me? I take a vacation in Costa Rica, have my facial plastic work done and after two weeks, when I get back, people say to me “Wow! You look great. Sure must be relaxing there in Costa Rica.” Of course, most people I talk to think I was in Puerto Rico, after all, they speak Spanish there. “Que cosa latisima…”

This is what I am hating the most: First how we are being totally lied to about the Iraq war. We can’t afford it and our schools (and MSU) are going totally down hill because of Bush’s stupid war. All that money being spent to kill people who never did anything to us. Now people hate us. Second, how we are being lied to about our infrastructure. Did you know that kids here can’t get internet when every kid in Korea has a high-speed, broadband connection? I have to pay big bucks for a 200mps connection when anyone in Japan can get one 10 times as fast for literally a few dollars. . .and our cell-phone service stinks. China’s is better. Shit, Kenya’s is better. Are you beginning to understand what is happening to us? Third, people are playing videogames that are developed in Japan. People are spending so much time surfing the web (at glacially slow speeds) here that they don’t even have time to get laid.

Oh yes, and George Bush and the Republicans want to build a wall across our southern border costing millions that we could put into New Orleans. The Coast Guard has gone from saving people on the Great Lakes to chasing drugs in the Carribean. We are putting so many people in prison in Michigan that we have no money to teach science and math to kids in public schools. Hell, Lansing just LOWERED their academic requirements for athletes. And how did we get beat in basketball in the international games – These were our best NBA players. Are you following all this?

Some people are angry. They are like: “What’s this shit have to do with sex??!?” He’s Dr Sex not Dr International Relations. Yeah, yeah. Check it out. And make friends with as many foreign students as you can because 10 years from now…

John L probably is gone already but it doesn’t solve the problem of having OSU fans in the stadium. Have you noticed that every fallen empire had a big stadium in their center city? A huge statium — What did they call that: “Bread and Circuses?”

Nero was tailgating while Rome was burning, you-all.